These days people have an opinion on everything. Important things and stupid things. This is an opinion on one of those stupid things. People are always judging, and on Halloween you get judge by both kids and their parents. So let’s go through how I judge the people giving out candy.
Fun Sized Reese’s/Kit Kat/Snickers/Milky Way/M&Ms/Twix – The Classics(This is what we give out)
You’re a person that knows what works. Knows what gets the people going. You understand that these candies are like pizza. Even in their worst form, like melted so badly you have to lick them off the wrapper, they’re still delicious.
Sour Patch Kids/Swedish Fish/Skittles
You like to give people a change up. You’re aware most people are giving out chocolate, so you hit ’em with the ol’ switcheroo. Some people will argue Halloween candy should be strictly chocolate – Don’t listen to them. They’re wrong.
100 Grand / Take 5
You’re a good time. Maybe even a little freaky (in a good way), but you definitely have impeccable taste in candy.
Full Size Candy Bars
This house is remembered by kids forever. On Halloween you are the hero that the neighborhood needs. Their people will tell stories about you from generation to generation. Unless you’re giving out full size 3 Musketeers (see below).
Mounds/Almond Joy/Good & Plenty/3 Musketeers
You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. You have officially become the villain. You suck. These monsters know they’re the only people who actually like any of these candies and are aware that chances are high word has spread through kid channels to skip this house. The only thing worse would be if they were to give out dimes to kids.
Ya know, now that I think about it, dimes might be better. If you hit 10 houses giving out dimes instead of these candies you can use that dollar to buy actual good candy from a vending machine.
Happy Halloween, except to that last group of people.
The John DeBella Show
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