Andre Gardner

Circa 1600, A rowdy drinking party enjoy a drop of the hard stuff in an inn. One man holds his friend's head while he vomits copiously onto a drunken comrade. (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

There’s a pretty good chance you have been in one of these scenarios. You may have had a party planned, or invited some people over, maybe had a date come to your house, or there’s a chatty contractor doing work in your home. and your guest(s) won’t take the hint that the night, or visit, is over and you want them to scram. It can be an uncomfortable situation, for sure. Thankfully, you can use the power of music to help you out. And with the holidays right around the corner, this list may come in handy.

Each of the songs listed below has actually been released. Simply pop one of these, eh, interesting, pieces of music on, and your unwanted guest(s) may be reaching for their coat and car keys before you know it. I must note that I personally do not dislike many of these works. I just say it’s a good bet many won’t share my enthusiasm for any of them and, in your case, “get the hint.” Good luck!

  • 10. !aH aH ,yawA eM ekaT oT gnimoC re’yehT - Napolean XIV

    The title is not some computer glitch. The a-side of this single was a big novelty hit for a Philly native named Jerry Samuels, and was practically a weekly fixture on the Dr. Demento Show! Likely to go along with the wacky theme, the b-side was the same as the a-side, but entirely backwards. It should prove to be an effective guest-clearer, most likely before the 2:10 of the song.

  • 9. Noise Jam (end of Want You Baby) - The Plasmatics

    It’s very important that you obtain the proper disc so you make sure to get this, uh, “song.” It appears on the band’s first independent EP, “Meet The Plasmatics” and, while the first part of the song, “Want You Baby,” has come out on other albums of theirs, it’s the Jam you want at the end. Apparently, the band were each placed in separate rooms of the recording studio, then asked to play whatever they wanted, not knowing what the others were playing. Then the song was mixed together. An absolute train wreck? Without question. Your guests might actually run screaming out of your house after a few moments of this. It’s so hard to find, I couldn’t even get a youtube clip of it, but I did include the first part here.

    FUN FACT – I saw The Plasmatics at the old Ripley Music Hall on South Street back in 1983. WOW, is all I can say.

  • 8. Root Of An Unfocus - John Cage

    Cage was known for his groundbreaking, unique musical style, not able to be categorized at all.  For example, his piece, 4’33, is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of total silence.  In this song, however, there are sounds, and I suggest turning it up loudly so the soft parts sound normal, and the occasional loud bursts of sound will, well, get the job done.

  • 7. Frownland - Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band

    Only Frank Zappa could have seen potential in Captain Beefheart, as he signed the quirky singer/songwriter to his Straight record label.  Considering Zappa also signed Wild Man Fischer to his label, it kind of makes sense.  Right out of the gate, these songs are different.  Very different.  There are a few tracks on Beefheart’s Trout Mask Replica could be contenders for this list, but a few of them have titles that aren’t exactly appropriate for all viewers.  I, instead, give you the opening track from the album, and it won’t be long before your unwanted guest checks their watch and begins that slow, deliberate walk to the door!

  • 6. Paralyzed - The Legendary Stardust Cowboy

    The Legendary Stardust Cowboys reportedly could play a numbers of instruments…none of them well.  Here’s the thing, if the vocals don’t drive your unwanted guest quickly our of your dwelling, wait for the horn ‘solo’ and they’ll check out before the song ends.  Amazingly, legendary musician/producer T. Bone Burnett plays the drums on this song!

  • 5. D.O.A. - Bloodrock

    It’s not necessarily the music, which is quite cool and spooky, but the lyrics that will have partygoers cringing before slowly walking backwards out your door.  You see this song on many “more morbid songs ever made” lists, due to its overly graphic account of an airplane crash victim, told in the first person (!!).  Bloodrock were a Texas band produced by Terry Knight, who also produced Grand Funk Railroad’s first few albums.

  • 4. Burst Synapse - Full Of Hell

    Don’t be fooled that this little ditty is only 1 minute long.  You won’t need more than about :06 to most likely achieve the desired effect of watching your overstaying guest beat feet out the door!  I say ‘most likely’ because our Digital Program Director Sara Parker, a card-carrying metalhead, loves this and this band. She will not leave if at your home, and this comes on.

  • 3. Das Boat - The Fall

    This one will gently creep up on your guest.  At first, they’ll wonder what this strange melody is.  Then, after, a few minutes of the same droning, irritating vibe, they’ll realize they have to leave.  Now.  The band, The Fall, put out more than 25 albums throughout their career, but this is the track that caught some people’s attention, for the wrong reason.

  • 2. Woodpecker No. 1 - Merzbow

    Merzbow is the name used by a Japanese fella named Masami Akita.  He’s part of the very interesting vegan, animal activist hardcore punk scene.  While I’m sure some of his work has some semblance of melodic structure and rhythm, this one does not appear to, at least to my ears.  The YouTube comments are priceless on this, by the way.

    **NOTE – people with photosensitive epilepsy should use extreme caution if viewing this video**

  • 1. Metal Machine Music - Lou Reed

    May I present the granddaddy of all room-clearers, an album I would have to say is the definition of unlistenable.  Not only will your unwanted guest immediately make a bee-line for the nearest door or window of your home, they may not ever speak to you again.  This double album, yes DOUBLE ALBUM, was released on RCA Records by the legendary singer/songwriter/Velvet Underground member Lou Reed in 1975, and it contains nothing more than noises generated, sped up, slowed down and manipulated in the studio, all done by Lou.  For about an hour.  Try as I have, I’ve only made it about 12 minutes in before I consider root canal without novocaine as a better option.  I can only imagine the meeting in the RCA board room when Reed first played this for executives.  It was rumored to be nothing more than a legal obligation Reed had to make with RCA, as he owed them two more albums on his contract.  Whatever the reason, this album is famous only because of how truly unlistenable it is.  If anyone tells you they love this album, they’re lying.

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