Granny Smith Apples Suck
In case you were unaware, Granny Smith Apples suck. These are the green apples, also called sour apples. Granny Smith obviously wouldn’t know a good-tasting apple if it fell out of a tree and hit her in the head.
In 1868 she discovered the green variety of apple by chance. A few stories each tell the tale slightly differently. She was testing crab apples for cooking and was dumping the cores in a spot where a new tree grew. Another sticks with the cooking part, but she was tossing the cores out of her window and a tree grew from the discarded core.
What neither story says is why, after trying one of the new apples, she didn’t cut the tree down and burn it for firewood. Ridding the world of these apples before they’re flavor was put into different candies, none of which are good. Green apple jolly rancher, crap. Green apple skittle, garbage (they brought back the original lime). Have you ever had the option of several flavors of candy and went for the green apple over something else? No! There is one candy that is a green apple that is great, Tootsie Caramel Apple Pops. They’re covered in caramel and they are delicious. That’s it, no others are anywhere close to being delicious.
There is an apple hierarchy. Tier 1: Pink Lady and Honeycrisp. Tier 2: everything else. Bottom Tier: Granny Smith. It’s like a lemon had sex with an apple and made something gross. If your best use as a fruit is to be cooked and sweetened to change how you taste, you misunderstood your assignment.
I’m sure Granny Smith was a super sweet lady back in the 1800s, but there is a reason Australia was a British penal colony. Everything there wants to and is supposed to kill you. Look at this list of animals that want to kill you. Turns out they make good wine in Australia because you better be pretty fudged up if you are going to die at the hands of one of these things.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.